We manifest disrespect for others when we manipulate them, humiliate them, or unfairly burden them. It’s pretty clear what manipulation and humiliation consist in. And it’s pretty clear what it is to burden someone. But what is it to burden someone unfairly?

We continually burden people. We burden others over and over again in the course of every ordinary day. Roger wants to watch the news, but you’re watching Law and Order. Sally needs to get to class on time, but you’re standing around talking with your friends, clogging up the halls. Martin is offended by the sight of a breast, but your baby’s hungry. You’ve burdened Roger, Sally, and Martin, and yet you’ve not treated any of them disrespectfully. You’ve not treated any of them disrespectfully because you did not impose any burden unfairly.

My answer to the question what makes a burden imposed on another a burden imposed unfairly on that other is that the burden is imposed in violation of a rule or norm or custom in place at the time of the burdening. I believe this to be a necessary condition, though I doubt that it is always sufficient. Any instance of a burden imposed unfairly is simultaneously an instance of a norm being violated, but maybe not every instance of a norm being violated is also an instance of a burden being imposed unfairly.

The rules, norms, and customs by which burdening can be disrespectful are often explicitly formulated and set down in words, but not always. Few, though, are codified in law, and that’s how it should be, for law ought to deal with serious harms only, and not all burdens are even harms, let alone serious harms. Often enough, the rule, norm, or custom we violate in burdening someone unfairly will consist just in how things are done around here, who has the right of way.

Since rules, norms, and customs change over time, so over time change the forms disrespectful treatment can take. And since rules, norms, and customs differ society to society, so, too, the forms disrespectful treatment can take differ society to society.

Rules, norms, and customs are themselves, of course, sometimes burdensome, and sometimes we have reason to try to change them. One tactic that occasionally works to change them is to violate them. Violating a rule, norm, or custom can show people what it is like to live with different rules, norms, or customs; people, seeing the attractions of living with the different ones, will begin to violate the old ones, perhaps thereby bringing new ways to the common life.

Though we find we have reason to violate a norm, we should not think that whatever burdens we impose on others when we violate it we do not impose unfairly. In violating the norm, even for good reasons, we manifest some degree of disrespect for the other.

One thing to prize in open, democratic, individualistic societies is our custom of distinguishing offence and hurt feelings from harm. This is something to prize as it gains for us much freedom in how we live our lives. Martin, remember, was deeply offended by your breastfeeding your baby in the restaurant. But because the custom in place around here is to distinguish offence from harm, his being offended is his problem, not yours. He cannot legitimately expect you not to bare your breast in his presence to feed your baby. And so you did not burden him unfairly, though burden him you did.

Martin may, certainly, without thereby treating you disrespectfully, ask you to go elsewhere to feed your baby. (If you take offense at his mere request, that’s your problem, not his.) You may decline his request, again without thereby treating him disrespectfully. Now, if Martin continues to ask you to cease—or, worse, makes a fuss about your breastfeeding—, Martin has begun to treat you badly, for Martin is burdening you in violation of a custom in place. It’s Martin’s sensitivities that are at fault here, not your lack of concern for his sensitivities.

Doing something that offends another can be to treat that other disrespectfully. It depends on the background customs in place. Just so, making a big deal about one’s being offended can also be to treat another disrespectfully.