A police investigation of stress-relieving ‘puppy rooms’ has uncovered a nefarious underground dogfighting operation with connections to Icelandic mafia.
“It is with deep regret that I am informing all Canadian universities that these rooms are shut down immediately,” said constable El-Diri of the Halifiction Regional Police (HRP).
In a press release from the HRP, a sophisticated network of Icelandic mafia connections is shown to be trafficking the dogs from various sources using the ‘puppy rooms’ as a mere front.
“I’m surprised nobody noticed that none of the dogs were puppies,” said El-Diri. “That was our first red flag that there was more to this than it seemed.” All though he noted that students are so preoccupied trying to memorize complex mathematical formulae and prepping for final exams that they likely were too distracted to take note.
Tragic consequences were averted mainly due to the fact that the Icelandic mafioso treated the dogs so humanely, and used them to vent warm, cuddly feelings that weren’t appropriate to express among their gangster comrades.
“The Icelandic mafia recruits members who seek a sense of belonging and purpose,” explained El-Diri. “So introducing the dogs into the mix provided a perfect outlet for them. When they were supposed to be turning the dogs into vicious killers they were instead playing fetch with them, cuddling, and bonding.”
Instead of the mafia having a negative effect on the dogs, it appears the dogs have had a positive effect of the mafia. Icelandic authorities have recently released numbers showing violent crime is down 13%, and animal shelters are showing adoption rates have doubled this quarter.
It has yet to be determined what the fate of the dogs will be, all though there were a few ideas put forward at the press conference.
“Well, we have dogs for therapeutic purposes at the Burnside Correctional Facility,” mused El-Diri. “I don’t see why we couldn’t use these animals in a more preventative fashion, before people get to prison. If there were pettable pets downtown at night, for example, perhaps there would be fewer fights downtown. It’s hard to drunkenly tell a guy off if you’re trying to snuggle with a Basset Hound, for example.”